Coffee & Naughty Thoughts

Author Linda Bolton - Writer, Blogger

Month: March 2011

Do Friends Make Better Lovers

Do friends make better lovers? Do they make better long-term partners?

Most couples become couples first, friends second.  Is it better the other way around? I’ve been told by many, yes. But doesn’t that screw up Dating 101? You know, you meet at a party, eyes link from across the room, you’re drawn to each other, you go have coffee, talk into the night, and BAM, your dating! If you’re friends first, how does that change things?

If you’re friends, from school, neighbors, work and then you start to date, is it because you were always attracted to each other? Or is it because you know each other’s flaws already, know what irks one another, what each one likes, that a relationship can bloom?

Have you ever had a roommate? Was the roommate your best friend? Did you stay roommates for long? I know I’ve had very close friends as roommates and, generally, we couldn’t stay roommates in order to preserve our relationship.  Does that hold true if your the opposite sex? Can a man and a woman be best friends and roommates and not have a relationship? Aren’t we made to be drawn to one another? If you have a best friend that is of the opposite sex are you destined to become more? Is it the nature of the beast?

I’m not saying men and women can’t be friends and not be sexually drawn to one another.  I’m talking best friends. Women know what I’m saying. When we have best friends we do a lot of things together, tell our deepest, darkest secrets, reveal ourselves. Once you’ve done that with a man have you gone too far? Have you pushed your relationship to the next level? Can men process information like that and not see a deeper attraction than just buddies? Can a woman? If you take the next step does it give you a deeper relationship than starting out as a dating couple to begin with?

For example, lets go back to the Dating 101 scenario.  You’re strangers, having coffee, talking about superficial basics of first contact. Next step is the first date.  Then the second, and so on. At what point are you comfortable enough to reveal your deepest, darkest secrets? Will you ever share your lifelong dreams and goals? Oh, you’ll share some but do you share all, without the fear of rejection? Is it easier to share those deepest thoughts with your friend than your lover? Sure it is.

So in saying that, the question is, how do you know if your friend should become more to you? As a friend they accept you, warts and all, usually from the beginning. In Dating 101, you’re much pickier; sometimes dumping someone for a flaw you should have accepted, would have as a friend, to find out they would have been a great catch later on but you blew it.

The only thing I can say is enjoy your friendship.  Don’t push it along.  Let nature take its course. Not every relationship is meant to take the next step.  Sometimes friendship is wonderful just the way it is and sometimes its better when its more.

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Hall Passes

There’s a movie out touting the fun and problems of having a “hall pass” from your spouse or significant other.  Would that be a good idea?

First, You’d have to decide when in your relationship is the best time to schedule something like this.  Would it be at the end of year one, five, seven (year itch), ten, twenty? Then, how long is this “pass” good for? A day, a week? Are there rules? Who are you seeing/sleeping with during that time?  An old fling, an old boyfriend/girlfriend, your spouse’s best friend? What if you decide the grass is greener somewhere else?  Yesterday you were perfectly content the way things were and now…

Why would you want a “hall pass”? Do you have an urge so strong you can’t suppress it?  Are you unhappy with things in your current relationship that a night on the town will cure? Are you cheating and feeling guilty and think if a “hall pass” is granted guilt will disappear? Not that old fashion cheating is ok, but this just sounds like an “open relationship”.  Why set a timeline? Just see who you want all the time. That would be easier and less strategy involved.

What if you enjoyed the “hall pass” so much you didn’t want to go back to your old relationship?  If you’re looking for an excuse to end it, just man-up and end it. Why blame it on the “hall pass”? Are you hoping you’ll find out the grass isn’t greener and the romance will suddenly bounce back into your old relationship. Got some news for you, relationships take work.  Sometimes they aren’t pretty, fun or enjoyable, kind of like your job. Oh, it can be greener somewhere else but there’ll be work there too. Nothing in life is free or easy.

Lastly, can you go back to your relationship after a “hall pass” and take up where you left off?  Don’t you think you’d both be different? Even with permission you cheated.  Heck, they probably did too.  Are you both ok with that? Were any feeling hurt with who you “hall passed” with? Have you learned to appreciate each other or resent each other? Is your relationship more complicated now knowing what you both think you’re missing?

The biggest question is would you have been better off not knowing what you were missing? Maybe you should have taken that time to work on your relationship together instead. Hmmm…things to think about.

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How Many Times is Too Many Times

Hmmm…How many times is too many times in a day, an hour, in fifteen minutes? One, three, five?

I’m talking calling and texting your friend/significant other with no response. I think men and women view this same way, some are multiple callers, some are single. Does it really stress the importance of a call/text if it is multiplied by ten? Or does it just encourage the receiver to ignore it?

I’m of the opinion that a single call is sufficient, depending on importance.  If a car wreck or hospital is involved then a possible text and call are needed.  I know my daughter never answers calls but I definitely get her to answer a text.  May take an hour or two, but she eventually answers.  If the call is just to chat I typically do not leave a voice mail and do not back it up with a text.  I figure the receiver will see the missed call and call back if they want to chat. Occasionally, I will leave a voice mail if I have a particular reason to call.  If I receive no response I may call back the next day.

My daughter likes to, as she calls it, blow up the receivers phone.  She will text repeatedly and call repeatedly if there there is no response.  She thinks if there is twenty calls/texts from her then the person will get back to her quicker. I know when she does it to me I am more likely to ignore the calls.

So, back to your significant other.  If you call them and they don’t answer, should call again to make sure your call went through? Should then text to make sure they know you’re calling? And do you get more opportunities to call if you’ve been together more or less time? Hmmm…Are you being needy or pesty? Will multiple calls get you the response you want or will they just get irritated? These are questions you have to answer yourself. You know the person you’re calling.  Are they not answering because they can’t hear the phone, they’re busy and can’t get to it or because you fear they aren’t interested in you anymore? Does multiple calls/texts help this situation? Will it make them realize how wonderful you are?

Thinks to ponder…

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