Coffee & Naughty Thoughts

Author Linda Bolton - Writer, Blogger

Month: October 2012

To Fall In Love

Does everyone want to be in love? What about marriage? Does everyone want to be married?

I look back to my dating days in my early twenties. Yes, love and marriage were very important to me, to all of my girlfriends. I remember how dating went (yes, it was a long time ago but I do still remember): we’d meet, go on a date or two or three, I wanted a relationship, he didn’t.  I have surveyed friends from back then and they remember it similarly.  Most of the guys were not that interested in having a monogamous relationship or ready to get married. 
Flip the calendar twenty-five to thirty years in the future. Same friends surveyed…men are more interested in a monogamous relationship and marriage than women around the same age. Why is that? Why the switch? I have a theory.
When men are twenty the world is their oyster: they are young, have all the vim and vigor (yes, I said vim and vigor) and they know they are studs. Women, on the other hand, are looking for safety and security for their future, marriage being the answer. But when women reach their mid-forties, they have careers, learned they can support themselves and live independently. Men, on the other hand, seem to begin to want the safety and security of not living alone in their later years. 
I’m not saying any of this is wrong, its just interesting and totally explains why young women marry older men and why cougar women date young men. Obviously, we have all known couples that married young and grew old together.  I don’t mean to imply this to “all” men or women, but I have noticed it quite a bit.  Look back at your younger dating years.  What do you remember? What about now? Are you single or have single friends? Are you looking for love?
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The last 500 words

***UPDATE BELOW***

I have been writing my book since March.  Some days flowed like a river other days my muse was on vacation.  Then I finished but didn’t have enough words to call it a novel.  That was frustrating.  But my muse came back from vacation  – Vegas!  – and off we went.  500 to go.

I’ve been dawdling at finishing. I don’t why.  Too many things going on and I really want to focus.

Have you ever tried to write while you were out of town.  Its the strangest feeling.  I usually sit on my big, fluffy sofa, early in the morning when everything is quiet (except for the cats) and write until I have to get ready for work.  I took my laptop with me out of town a couple of months ago and thought I’d write a bit.  I stayed at a quiet bed and breakfast (www.Sparhawk.com) in Abilene, Texas.  No television, beautiful garden, peaceful.  I couldn’t write! I tried, really I did. It just felt uncomfortable.  Like I was cheating on my sofa.

I did take my laptop with me last month to Phoenix and was able to get out 500 or so words before I  had to stop.  I thought I could write anywhere but I guess not.  I can do research anywhere but that’s not the same thing.

So now I sit, writing my blog instead of the book. I need to finish but life just isn’t quiet enough right now. My head is full of ideas, future books, plans, but my muse must be on vacation again. It goes out of town more than I do! Is it visiting you? Could you send it home….I have a book to finish.

**UPDATE**
I wrote this blog in December of 2010. I am happy to say I have found a publisher. It wasn’t easy, but mostly because I was afraid. Afraid all my work was just jibberish. That someone would read it and say, “What is this crap!”. Instead, my first attempt was met with a canned response. They were to busy to go into detail but they just weren’t interested at this time. Whew! Dodged that bullet. Then I tried a second publisher. This one I knew would be more personable. It terrified me. But it paid off. I was private messaged on FaceBook that I’m in! They want my book! I’m am so excited! I have been told by friends who have been recently published this is where the work begins! I am so happy to have this opportunity and I look forward to the hard work! This has all been such a blessing and enjoyable rollercoaster ride!

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Can You Have Joy Without Happiness

I have many friends searching for something…happiness. We all want it but how do you find it? What exactly are they looking for? Long-term joy or short-term happiness?
Unfortunately, we are so caught up in our microwavable-instant lives that we want immediate happiness. 24 hours a day. Any mature adult knows life doesn’t really work that way. Sure we have happy moments in our day, things that bring a smile to our faces, a belly laugh or a warm fuzzy feeling, but that isn’t joy. Joy is long-term, weathers the rough waters, the prosperous and lean times, and can take years to cultivate.
I believe some of us are born with inner-joy. Or maybe we are taught very young by our parents, inadvertently. I think I am one of those people. Oh, sure, I’ve had hard times, sobbing moments that lasted longer than I care to revisit, but overall, I look on the bright side. I know tomorrow will be better. I know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m not saying optimists are the only ones who know joy. On the contrary, I know optimists that have a hard time finding joy. They have moment to moment happiness, struggling to figure out how to make it last. At the same rate, I know pessimists that have long-term joy. It’s the only thing keeping them going every day.
Let’s define happiness vs. joy. The attached chart should help (thanks to Google):
Comparison chart
Happiness
Joy
Example:
Winning a lottery will make one happy
Giving birth to a child will bring joy.
Time frame:
Momentary
Long lasting
Emotion:
Pleases a person
Warms ones heart
Causes:
Luck, fortune, other self pleasures
caused by over all contentment, soul satisfying incidents
Meaning:
Happiness is an emotion in which one experiences feelings ranging from contentment and satisfaction to bliss and intense pleasure.
Joy is the emotion of great delight or happiness caused by something exceptionally good or satisfying; keen pleasure; elation.
I have always been taught happiness is fleeting; it’s in the moment. Joy is something that
sustains you. I have many friends that are only happy as long as the moment is a “happy one”.
As soon as things are difficult, sad, or tempers flare, they say they are unhappy and want to give  up. Taking life as a whole is the key to joy. In the grand scheme of things is life pretty good? Are the things that are most important to you where you want them?
Maybe the answer is in not taking life so seriously. I’m not talking the case of various forms of
abuse or neglect. Those are situations better addressed somewhere else. I’m talking in the
average person’s life. The old cliché – not seeing the forest from the trees might apply here. We can focus so intently on a decayed tree, we miss the beauty of the healthy trees. Some of my friends have adopted my favorite quote – “It is what it is”. Some things you just can’t change and you have to accept them as they are or they can stress you, but overall is it small compared to all the other things in life? In days to come will it become a faded memory? Don’t let this one unhappy situation rob you of your joy. 

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Has Sex Become Taboo

I know you’re asking, “WAH?” but think about this.  How many married over-forty-somethings do you know that say they aren’t having sex?
How many friends do you have married 20+ years and they complain they never have sex with their spouse? I know, I know…stress, kids still living at home, activities and commitments wear us all thin. Those are all great reasons but are you feeling less connected to your spouse? Are all your conversations about the kids, making ends meet and the next disastrous expense you’re about to have to pay for? Has sex become an afterthought? When you finally get a relaxing evening are spending it watching an adult TV show, Chinese delivery and asleep by 10?
I’m not saying this isn’t legit but in the realm of taking care of everyone have you neglected each other? When you get an opportunity to fluff yourself up does your spouse even notice? Have you forgotten what intimacy is? Are there days you wish you had some but your spouse just isn’t on the same wave length? Do you even care anymore?
Life has us putting our own basic physical needs on the back burner.  I’m talking food, shelter and feeling connected to someone. We all want it. No one wants to be truly alone but are there days in house full of people you feel alone? Your spouse is doing their part of the work for the household, i.e. working and bringing home a paycheck, cleaning, cooking, laundry, but you feel disconnected. Is being intimate the last thing you think you have time for?
Now chat with your single forty-something+  friends.  What do they talk about? If they’re in relationships they talk about intimacy. If they aren’t with anyone they’re looking for someone interested in providing it.  Many of the people I’ve talked with mention how they’ve realized how important intimacy and sex are in their relationships. Most are divorced and had lost intimacy with their spouses. A lot of them thought they had hormonal issues or ID and have since discovered this is far from the truth. Not making intimacy and sex a priority caused their lack of desire. Some of them were very surprised to find that 40+ year olds (and 50+) have just as much desire as they did at 30 (hence, 50 is the new 30). For most, function isn’t an issue either. 
If sex has become a taboo activity in your home, bring it back! Date night, mini-vacations for just the two of you, and adding toys and flavored lubes can all help bring the spark back.  Remembering what brought you together in the beginning is a good place to start. And never forget to read. I’m not talking Penthouse and Playboy, but blogs or books about intimacy and foreplay. Learn to enjoy one another again.
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