Coffee & Naughty Thoughts

Author Linda Bolton - Writer, Blogger

Category: Blog (page 2 of 2)

How to have Success with Online Dating

me and curtis

 

I have quite a few friends dating in their 40’s and 50’s. I was just a year ago. Where do you go to meet people? Do you rely on your friends to introduce you to someone? Do  you try old flames on social networking sites? Or do you try online dating? Leave a comment below and tell me what you did.

I tried online dating. It was an experience. Was it all bad? No. I made a really good friend and we still chat and keep in touch. Did I think I’d find Mr Right there? For awhile…

I tried a number of sites – Match.com, OKCupid, Plenty of Fish, Farmers Only, eHarmony, and a few I don’t remember. They’re all about the same. Men looking for that special woman, men looking for a few hot dates, men looking but not sure what they’re looking for. I’m sure it’s the same for men – women looking…

As I’ve talked to friends, male and female, we’ve all learned a few things along the way as we’ve online dated. First, there is no magic or fireworks when you meet. I’m not sure if it’s because you fear meeting face to face (it is a kind of blind date no matter how much  chatting online and phone calls you’ve had) or if it’s the years of cynicism, maybe a bit of both. I’m not saying it can never happen, I’ve just found that most relationships, mature relationships, take time. Do either of you have children or grandchildren? How much time do you spend with them? Are you super independent and need alone time? Are you a bit needy and like to spend all your available time with your significant other? What kind of baggage are you bringing from your past relationships? All these things come into play when you start dating. It’s a lot to consider and talking about the most important aspects early on eliminates months of dating the wrong person.

Second, you need to decide beforehand, how many dates you’ll give the relationship before you give up. Not every meeting is meant to be. He may be great on the phone or via online chat, but in person he could be a dud. I had a few. My rule was three dates. First date was usually awkward and didn’t last more than a couple of hours. Second date is more like a real date. Dinner, coffee, dancing or a movie, a walk along the lake. This is where you talk more on a personal level, feel each other out. If it goes well, and phone calls are going well, the third date is usually the relaxing date. This is where some of the bad habits come out, for both of you. Maybe it’s dinner at your house or a barbecue at his buddy’s where you meet his friends. At the end of this date is where you go home and assess if you think it’s worth pursuing.

Third, what are you rules on sex. As mature adults, I don’t care whether the site is religious based or not, sex comes up. What are your rules or boundaries? You know it’s going to go there. If you’re both in your 40’s or he’s in his 50’s, you’re wondering if things work like they should. Let’s be honest, women in their 40’s and 50’s, especially single women, are wanting more sex, more than they did at 20. And we remember how the guys were like rabbits at 20, driving us nuts, but are they still interested at 50? Do they need a little blue pill (nothing wrong with that, by the way) or have they totally lost the drive (low T)? These are things you need to know. Is he a kinky stud or a dull dud? I’m not saying you should hop into bed with every guy you date (use protection from STDs if you do) but I’m also not saying you should believe everything they say either.

From experience I have found what a guy says about his sex drive is what it was at 20. He’s not lying, he still sees himself as that young guy. Besides, what are you saying? Everyday sex sounds fun until you live together and life waps you up side your face. We all get tired after a long work day. When you’re dating, you’re limited on the time you see each other. You bump like bunnies. But once you’re under the same roof, life happens. You see each other everyday. That burst of energy you used to get when you saw each other just isn’t that explosive on a day to day basis. Reality…It’s good to discuss what each others real expectations are.

So, now you might be thinking online dating sounds too scary or complicated, what other options do you have? Well, your friends may know someone, you may find an old flame on social networking in your area (I did) or you could try Meetups. Meetups are groups of people with a common hobby or interest that get together at various times during the month. You can bring a girlfriend and avoid meeting anyone or be brave and introduce yourself to the new crowd. They meet in various locations, you just have to find one that suits you. There’s also match makers. They learn about you and match you to someone else they represent. These can be vary costly and you still may not find Mr/Mrs Right.

It’s a crap shoot! Be in the right place at the right time and maybe you’ll meet the right one. The best part, it’s an adventure!

Have you online dated? Did you find Mr/Mrs Right? I’d love to hear your experiences! Share in the comment box below.

 

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Broken Heart

Broken Heart

‘Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t


You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t


Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power


But you won’t, no you won’t
’Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t

(Song by Bonnie Raitt)

I was skimming through Facebook when I ran across a post from a gal very dear to me. She was asking why someone you love doesn’t love you back. I commented that is happens at every age. And it always sucks.
How do we find ourselves falling for someone who isn’t falling for us? You would think in this age of computers, internet, knee replacements and organ transplants, we could find a way to only fall in love with the person who would love us back. Unfortunately, love and the laws of attraction don’t work that way.
Do you fall in love with people you’re attracted to? Sometimes. Appearance is the first thing we’re usually attracted to. Hair color, full head or lack there of, and style. Eyes. Smile. Teeth. Skin. Body type – thin, curvaceous, buff, meaty. We all have different tastes. This is where things sometimes go wrong. We may have in mind a look we’d like to be with, but we can be deceived. Always remember, don’t judge a book by it’s cover. It truly is what’s inside that matters. Once the inside is revealed, sometimes the outside isn’t quite as appealing.
My point here is, it’s inevitable. Our hearts are meant to get broken. It’s how we’re wired. I don’t like it but we can get a benefit from it. We can learn from our mistakes, figuring out what attracted us and what went wrong. The next time around we could be more cautious, be less shallow, before we jump in. Doesn’t mean our heart won’t get broken but doesn’t mean it will. And, unfortunately, only time heals. Sometimes it takes a lot of time.
Has your heart been broken? What did you do to heal?

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For Better or For Worse

Wedding vows…

Have you ever wondered why for chubby or for thin wasn’t included? I hear more and more about spouses who complain that they don’t find their husband or wife attractive anymore because they’ve gained weight. WTH?

I can understand concern for your loved ones health, to want to have them around for years to come. But to be so superficial to complain about their size for personal pleasure, i.e. arm candy.  Ok, when we were twenty I know we dated for looks first, everything came after. But aren’t we more mature all these years later?

So you find the special someone and they’re hot! I’m talking smoking! The years go by and the kids come or they have a desk job and a few pounds creep up. Maybe it’s more than a few. Is this husband or wife a different person? Do they still do those things that made you fall in love with them?

I have run into men and women I knew back in school. When I look at them I see the person I used to know. We’ve all added a few pounds here and there, not to mention gray hairs and wrinkles. I chose to see them the way I remember them.

How can you tell someone you love them in one breath and then tell them you aren’t attracted to them in the next? Is that love? I don’t understand. Can someone explain it to me?

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Goodbye Winter, Hello Spring

GOODBYE WINTER, HELLO SPRING!

blog hop

Goodbye heavy coat, hello flipflops

Goodbye ice storms, hello sunshine

Goodbye chicken and dumplings, hello strawberries and melons

Goodbye teeth chattering, hello sweat

Goodbye excuses not to work out, hello skinny jeans

Goodbye snuggles in front of the fireplace, hello walks around the park

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Making Your Own Luck

luck

I don’t really believe in luck but I do believe we are given many paths to chose from.

One of my paths was something many women in their mid-forties experience, I got a divorce. After a twenty-five year marriage, I did what every middle aged adult does nowadays – looked to the internet. Yes, I tried dating sites. It was entertaining at first, flattering even. There were men of all shapes, sizes and ages that wanted to take me out.I realized something…I attract the same kind of guy I was married to, not what I was looking for. So what changed? Facebook. Oh, I’d been on there for a few years but I found an old boyfriend on there about eighteen months ago and twelve months ago we started dating again. He was unlike the other men, kind, caring, thoughtful, and my girlfriends and my family loved him. New Year’s weekend we were engaged.

Another path I chose was when I adopted my daughter fifteen years ago. She was eleven years old at the time so I missed the baby stage, the terrible twos and so on. Two and a half years ago something wonderful happen – my granddaughter was born. I know everyone thinks their grandchildren are special but mine truly is. Now, I get to make up for it. Every time I see her there is something fun and silly about her. Frozen, the movie, is her favorite and she sings “Let it go” and spins around the living room. Oh, and every photo has her picking her nose. Ladylike, she is not.

This most recent path is probably my best. I know, a new love and a baby are tops on most lists but once I tell my story it will be understandable why this is the best part.

Two years ago I started working with a friend when my previous position ended. When I first arrived at her company it was a pleasant enough and everyone was friendly. However, as time went by I discovered that my boss was an actual psychopath. He could be very nice but if he thought I made him look bad to his customers, by making an innocent mistake, he would blow a gasket, curse at me and fire me. Oh, he couldn’t really fire me, I actually worked for the owner, but it was still scary, especially after I heard he’d hit a guy at a baseball game and put him in a coma. There were a few other stories as well,  one was that he had a gun in his desk. Suffice it to say I’m not perfect, despite what I’d like to believe, and mistakes do happen, not on purpose, of course. It was a terrifying way to work.

Anyway, I had been job hunting sporadically when I found my new job. I have been so stressed that I’ve had a hard time focusing to write. When your phone dings at all hours of the day and night, including weekends, it’s hard to enjoy doing anything. But I’ve escaped the black hole that was sucking me in and have spread my wings. I have a position that will allow me to have the career I never had, working with people who are fairly normal.

My life is now on track with a wonderful love, a career that will allow me to feel creative when I’m home, and an adorable granddaughter to play with. Some may call it luck but I think I’ve had more control than that. Choose your paths wisely.

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Welcome

Welcome to the world of romance, sort of.

Yeah, I write romance but that doesn’t mean I’m romantic. My friends can tell you, I have a hard time adding romance to my own life. I obviously have it in me somewhere but it just doesn’t come easily. I’m unfiltered more often than not, and I do my best to enjoy life. I hope you’ll enjoy my blogs and my books.

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It’s a New Year

Yes, it’s 2015!

That’s right, it’s another new year!

Have you thought about what you’d like to do this year?

Eat healthier and exercise maybe?

I know you may be thinking, “Not again!”

But listen….

No, I’m serious. You should start taking better care of yourself.

You know, eat more fruits and veggies,

cook at home more often, especially with angel wings on (makes all the difference),
and leave out the junk food!
Hello?

Are you listening?
It’s really not a bad idea…
The holidays were fun but it’s time to think of your health, you know….
You want to live a long time don’t you?
I know you don’t want to give up chocolate….
or cake!
But with some regular exercise
and making healthier food choices
this could be a good year!
A big toast to you (low-cal, of course)! Give it a try!
** All photo rights reserved**
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The last 500 words

***UPDATE BELOW***

I have been writing my book since March.  Some days flowed like a river other days my muse was on vacation.  Then I finished but didn’t have enough words to call it a novel.  That was frustrating.  But my muse came back from vacation  – Vegas!  – and off we went.  500 to go.

I’ve been dawdling at finishing. I don’t why.  Too many things going on and I really want to focus.

Have you ever tried to write while you were out of town.  Its the strangest feeling.  I usually sit on my big, fluffy sofa, early in the morning when everything is quiet (except for the cats) and write until I have to get ready for work.  I took my laptop with me out of town a couple of months ago and thought I’d write a bit.  I stayed at a quiet bed and breakfast (www.Sparhawk.com) in Abilene, Texas.  No television, beautiful garden, peaceful.  I couldn’t write! I tried, really I did. It just felt uncomfortable.  Like I was cheating on my sofa.

I did take my laptop with me last month to Phoenix and was able to get out 500 or so words before I  had to stop.  I thought I could write anywhere but I guess not.  I can do research anywhere but that’s not the same thing.

So now I sit, writing my blog instead of the book. I need to finish but life just isn’t quiet enough right now. My head is full of ideas, future books, plans, but my muse must be on vacation again. It goes out of town more than I do! Is it visiting you? Could you send it home….I have a book to finish.

**UPDATE**
I wrote this blog in December of 2010. I am happy to say I have found a publisher. It wasn’t easy, but mostly because I was afraid. Afraid all my work was just jibberish. That someone would read it and say, “What is this crap!”. Instead, my first attempt was met with a canned response. They were to busy to go into detail but they just weren’t interested at this time. Whew! Dodged that bullet. Then I tried a second publisher. This one I knew would be more personable. It terrified me. But it paid off. I was private messaged on FaceBook that I’m in! They want my book! I’m am so excited! I have been told by friends who have been recently published this is where the work begins! I am so happy to have this opportunity and I look forward to the hard work! This has all been such a blessing and enjoyable rollercoaster ride!

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