Coffee & Naughty Thoughts

Author Linda Bolton - Writer, Blogger

Tag: love (page 1 of 2)

Do You Need a Holiday “Plus One”?

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The holidays are coming and you’re single. Are you looking for a date for those Christmas and New Year’s Eve parties. Comment below and let me know if you’re looking for that “Plus One”.

I know it’s October (close enough) but have you started stressing about who you’ll take to the company Christmas party, Aunt Mary’s Pre-New Year’s family gathering or to the Rockin’ New Year’s Eve party downtown? What’s the cause of your stress?

I know, you’re over forty and your sister found the love of her life at thirty. Mom and Dad are wondering when you’ll settle down. Aunt Mary gives you a hard time at every family event because you can’t seem to find Mr (or Miss) Right. Your friends are all going to have significant others with them for New Year’s Eve. Who will you kiss at midnight?

You’re probably expecting me to make suggestions where you can find a great date. Sorry to disappoint you but I’m going to give you the opposite advice – Be Brave and Be Single. That’s right, go without your “Plus One” this year.

You’re probably thinking, “Wha?” That’s right, No Date! Surprise! Why, you ask? Because, in my experience, this is the worst time to try to find that someone special. The holidays are stressful enough and then you add trying to figure out if Joe Blow’s (or Jane) bad habits are tolerable. Rather than beginning to date someone you really shouldn’t be, go to the parties alone and hold your head up high. Think about it, you need a date for Aunt Mary’s family hoopla. You take this guy that, under less stressful circumstances, you wouldn’t normally date more than once, but you don’t want to hear Aunt Mary complaining that “You’re still single?” How much more embarrassing it to have a very public argument in front of family or Aunt Mary calling a week later to invite you two for dinner and you have to tell her you’ve broke up? You don’t think she’ll let that die quietly, do you?

What do you think? Are you going to be brave and go to your parties single? Or do you want to risk a public breakup before midnight on December 31st? Tell me what you’ve decided.

 

 

 

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Broken Heart

Broken Heart

‘Cause I can’t make you love me if you don’t


You can’t make your heart feel something it won’t


Here in the dark, in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power


But you won’t, no you won’t
’Cause I can’t make you love me, if you don’t

(Song by Bonnie Raitt)

I was skimming through Facebook when I ran across a post from a gal very dear to me. She was asking why someone you love doesn’t love you back. I commented that is happens at every age. And it always sucks.
How do we find ourselves falling for someone who isn’t falling for us? You would think in this age of computers, internet, knee replacements and organ transplants, we could find a way to only fall in love with the person who would love us back. Unfortunately, love and the laws of attraction don’t work that way.
Do you fall in love with people you’re attracted to? Sometimes. Appearance is the first thing we’re usually attracted to. Hair color, full head or lack there of, and style. Eyes. Smile. Teeth. Skin. Body type – thin, curvaceous, buff, meaty. We all have different tastes. This is where things sometimes go wrong. We may have in mind a look we’d like to be with, but we can be deceived. Always remember, don’t judge a book by it’s cover. It truly is what’s inside that matters. Once the inside is revealed, sometimes the outside isn’t quite as appealing.
My point here is, it’s inevitable. Our hearts are meant to get broken. It’s how we’re wired. I don’t like it but we can get a benefit from it. We can learn from our mistakes, figuring out what attracted us and what went wrong. The next time around we could be more cautious, be less shallow, before we jump in. Doesn’t mean our heart won’t get broken but doesn’t mean it will. And, unfortunately, only time heals. Sometimes it takes a lot of time.
Has your heart been broken? What did you do to heal?

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For Better or For Worse

Wedding vows…

Have you ever wondered why for chubby or for thin wasn’t included? I hear more and more about spouses who complain that they don’t find their husband or wife attractive anymore because they’ve gained weight. WTH?

I can understand concern for your loved ones health, to want to have them around for years to come. But to be so superficial to complain about their size for personal pleasure, i.e. arm candy.  Ok, when we were twenty I know we dated for looks first, everything came after. But aren’t we more mature all these years later?

So you find the special someone and they’re hot! I’m talking smoking! The years go by and the kids come or they have a desk job and a few pounds creep up. Maybe it’s more than a few. Is this husband or wife a different person? Do they still do those things that made you fall in love with them?

I have run into men and women I knew back in school. When I look at them I see the person I used to know. We’ve all added a few pounds here and there, not to mention gray hairs and wrinkles. I chose to see them the way I remember them.

How can you tell someone you love them in one breath and then tell them you aren’t attracted to them in the next? Is that love? I don’t understand. Can someone explain it to me?

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Making Your Own Luck

luck

I don’t really believe in luck but I do believe we are given many paths to chose from.

One of my paths was something many women in their mid-forties experience, I got a divorce. After a twenty-five year marriage, I did what every middle aged adult does nowadays – looked to the internet. Yes, I tried dating sites. It was entertaining at first, flattering even. There were men of all shapes, sizes and ages that wanted to take me out.I realized something…I attract the same kind of guy I was married to, not what I was looking for. So what changed? Facebook. Oh, I’d been on there for a few years but I found an old boyfriend on there about eighteen months ago and twelve months ago we started dating again. He was unlike the other men, kind, caring, thoughtful, and my girlfriends and my family loved him. New Year’s weekend we were engaged.

Another path I chose was when I adopted my daughter fifteen years ago. She was eleven years old at the time so I missed the baby stage, the terrible twos and so on. Two and a half years ago something wonderful happen – my granddaughter was born. I know everyone thinks their grandchildren are special but mine truly is. Now, I get to make up for it. Every time I see her there is something fun and silly about her. Frozen, the movie, is her favorite and she sings “Let it go” and spins around the living room. Oh, and every photo has her picking her nose. Ladylike, she is not.

This most recent path is probably my best. I know, a new love and a baby are tops on most lists but once I tell my story it will be understandable why this is the best part.

Two years ago I started working with a friend when my previous position ended. When I first arrived at her company it was a pleasant enough and everyone was friendly. However, as time went by I discovered that my boss was an actual psychopath. He could be very nice but if he thought I made him look bad to his customers, by making an innocent mistake, he would blow a gasket, curse at me and fire me. Oh, he couldn’t really fire me, I actually worked for the owner, but it was still scary, especially after I heard he’d hit a guy at a baseball game and put him in a coma. There were a few other stories as well,  one was that he had a gun in his desk. Suffice it to say I’m not perfect, despite what I’d like to believe, and mistakes do happen, not on purpose, of course. It was a terrifying way to work.

Anyway, I had been job hunting sporadically when I found my new job. I have been so stressed that I’ve had a hard time focusing to write. When your phone dings at all hours of the day and night, including weekends, it’s hard to enjoy doing anything. But I’ve escaped the black hole that was sucking me in and have spread my wings. I have a position that will allow me to have the career I never had, working with people who are fairly normal.

My life is now on track with a wonderful love, a career that will allow me to feel creative when I’m home, and an adorable granddaughter to play with. Some may call it luck but I think I’ve had more control than that. Choose your paths wisely.

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To Fall In Love

Does everyone want to be in love? What about marriage? Does everyone want to be married?

I look back to my dating days in my early twenties. Yes, love and marriage were very important to me, to all of my girlfriends. I remember how dating went (yes, it was a long time ago but I do still remember): we’d meet, go on a date or two or three, I wanted a relationship, he didn’t.  I have surveyed friends from back then and they remember it similarly.  Most of the guys were not that interested in having a monogamous relationship or ready to get married. 
Flip the calendar twenty-five to thirty years in the future. Same friends surveyed…men are more interested in a monogamous relationship and marriage than women around the same age. Why is that? Why the switch? I have a theory.
When men are twenty the world is their oyster: they are young, have all the vim and vigor (yes, I said vim and vigor) and they know they are studs. Women, on the other hand, are looking for safety and security for their future, marriage being the answer. But when women reach their mid-forties, they have careers, learned they can support themselves and live independently. Men, on the other hand, seem to begin to want the safety and security of not living alone in their later years. 
I’m not saying any of this is wrong, its just interesting and totally explains why young women marry older men and why cougar women date young men. Obviously, we have all known couples that married young and grew old together.  I don’t mean to imply this to “all” men or women, but I have noticed it quite a bit.  Look back at your younger dating years.  What do you remember? What about now? Are you single or have single friends? Are you looking for love?
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An Unromantic Romance Writer

I know, you’re asking,”WHAT?”

I’m really not a romantic. Never have been. But I love writing and reading romance. Maybe it’s my lack of romance that attracts me to it. The sweet love stories, the torrid, stormy romances, the historical highlander-invades-and-kidnaps tales – I love them! Don’t ask me to recite a gushy romantic comment. I don’t have any in my vocabulary. If they are said to me I have to hide the eye-rolling terse comment that tries to escape my thoughts. I know, its sad.

So, now you’re wondering, “How does she write romance then?” Well, I watch everyday life. I listen to other people.  I read a lot! Yes, my friends can vouch for me  – I steal their lines, their stories, their comments. I have many romantic friends who tell me their tales, in confidence of course, and, yes, I use their love, pain and mushy stories. No one is safe!

I can’t help it! They are my muse. Oh, I have the voice in my head that comes up with a bit of gooeyness every now and then, but my friends are my real motivation.  I enjoy reading and, especially, writing romance. The ideas flow but to add that special something – the perfect quote, a great setting, that special description of the perfect kiss – my friends are great contributors.

So, as you read my blogs and, hopefully someday, my books, you’ll know I had a ton of help in writing them.  Oh, I could never disclose who gave me that perfect line or that warm and fuzzy date.  That would be just wrong on so many levels. Also, that friend would stop sharing their feelings with me. Just enjoy the fact that you know the story is a collaboration of great friendships coming together to share their deepest secrets.

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A Time For Patience

Patience…Not something we enjoy having.  In our got-to-have-it-now society its definitely not encouraged.  I was even told on multiple occasion not to pray for it. Reason being, the way to gain patience is to practice patience.  Who wants to do that?

Whether its in looking for a job, looking for a new home or car, working on a relationship or raising children, patience has a roll. How do you handle patience?

Patience can be your friend or your foe.  Its so hard not to rush into things.  Impatience is so much more popular.  The struggle to wait on something, something that can be great, is difficult for most. Friends, family and colleagues will suggest you “do it now”, “hurry before you change your mind”, “you deserve it now”.  But do we really need anything at this very moment?  Aren’t some things better when you have to wait on them a bit? Don’t we learn to value relationships we have to cultivate? Don’t we appreciate something if we wait until we can really afford it?

When we have children we are constantly telling them they will have to wait.  Why aren’t we taking our own advice? Sometimes, once we’ve waited a bit, we decide the thing we thought we really wanted isn’t so important anymore – saving us the time and money we would have wasted otherwise.  And, sometimes, we find out having to wait on something or someone has made it more worthwhile.

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The Outsider

Were you ever the outsider in high school? You know, the one no one really noticed? Oh, you had friends, even close ones, but you never really fit in.

You know who I’m talking about, the gal who had the crush on the quarterback but could never tell him.  Instead she shared her History notes, let him cheat off her Spanish test and passed the notes he sent to the head cheerleader.  But she had the hugest crush. She knew he would never like her back but she still couldn’t help crushing.

Look around you.  These outsiders are still around. Crushing on people they know will never reciprocate their feelings. You know these people. Maybe you’re one, maybe you have someone around you, crushing on you. How do you treat them? Have you embraced them as a friend or do you abuse their over-eagerness to please you?

Why am I writing about these outsiders, you’re asking? To remind us they have feelings too. You may never date this person but acknowledge they are are important. If you think back they have probably been a better friend to you than whomever you are calling your best friend. Also, to remind us that we shouldn’t judge a book by its cover.  I know it cliche, but very true.  Sometimes, when you take the time to really get to know them, you find there is more to them than meets the eye.

My favorite outsider reference is the movie “Princess Diaries”.  The story of a clumsy, plain girl – an outsider – who becomes a princess of a country.  Come to find out, she has on outsider following her – a cute boy – who she comes to realize is a great guy.  My only complaint it she has to be remodeled physically.  Too bad. Would have been a better story if they had accepted her as she was. The princess was still inside.

My point being, look around you. If you have an outsider crushing on you, realize there is more, so much more, to them.  If you’re an outsider, find someone to be your friend who’ll accept you for who you are.  We all have a prince/princess waiting to get out!

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Masked Chat

You’ve found that special someone. They say all the right things, are interested in what is going on in your life and you have tons in common. There’s just one glitch…You don’t know what they look like.  Yep! You met them on a social networking site and they have no photo. 

I know its strange but think about it. Your mind is stimulated by the hours of conversations with them.  You excited every time you chat with them; its the best part of your day. They seem enamored by you as well. Do you need to see what they look like?
There’s a small Mexican village in terrible need of a savior from a tyrannical leader.  Zorro zooms in and saves the day.  Did anyone ask him to take his mask off? Did the lovely woman he swoops by and kisses ask? Nope! They were just glad he was there. 
Your chat buddy is a kind of superhero.  They brighten your day and make you feel good about yourself.  Do you ever wonder if they are real? How old they are? If they’re telling you the truth? Will you ever meet them? Does it matter? 
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Boundaries

    We all have them. Some to keep us in line. Some to keep others at arms length. What are yours for?

    Think about our boundaries. We teach them to our children.  “Don’t get up in people’s faces.” “Don’t touch your brother. Stay on your half of the couch.” “Only go on group dates.” “Don’t loan money to your family and close friends.”
  
    These are basic boundaries we learn as we grow up. Of course, as we experience life, and cross some of these boundaries, testing the water, we lose some of them.  What happens when life beats us down, smacks us around, and leaves us on the side of the road battered and bruised?

    We end up with walls, not boundaries. Walls that keep those around us at arms length.  Walls that keep us from making mistakes and choices we fear are wrong. Walls that keep in feelings of unworthiness and self-doubt. Walls that keep out freedom to be who we are meant to be, to set us free.

   How can we get the walls to come down? Trust. In those closest to us. We all have warts that have grown over time. Those that love us, our dearest friends, have touched those warts and weren’t afraid. They can help us take the walls down, slowly, one brick at a time. No judgement, no ridicule, no pity.  Only tenderness, guidance and patience.

    What happens when the wall blocks love from entering in? Can we survive? Can life be truly all it can be without the love of others? Trust. It’s all we can do. And not let the world go by.

  

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