Coffee & Naughty Thoughts

Author Linda Bolton - Writer, Blogger

Tag: marriage

What will Romance and Marriage be like in 100 years?

Now, I’m not a paranormal writer (at least, not yet) but you do have to wonder…

Look back 100 years – 1917

  • Some marriages were still arranged
  • Dating was done in groups or with a chaperone
  • Receiving gifts was very much a part of the romance
  • Virginity was more common until the wedding night
  • Many women married in their teens, not finishing high school
  • Women over 25 years old were considered spinsters
  • It was romantic to cook a lovely meal with a candle lit table setting
  • Kink was considered something very private, as well as the act of sex
  • Sex was often times considered only for procreation
  • Marriages lasted many years – divorce not being considered, even in the worse circumstances due to its stigma.

Looking at today – 2017

  • Many couples meet via social media or internet dating sites
  • Dating is rarely chaperoned
  • Gifts are typically only given for special occassions
  • Virginity is a rarity  – many couples have sex by the third date, if not sooner
  • Many women opt for high school and college graduation prior to considering marriage
  • Many women wait until their 30’s and 40’s to marry the first time – waiting until their careers are established or hoping to find the right one later on when they’re more mature – avoiding divorce
  • A romantic dinner out is preferred to avoid cleanup
  • Kink is freely talked about in order to find a more suitable mate
  • Sex is considered a must not an option  – even without the need to procreate, thanks to advances in birth control
  • It’s typical to find a mate who has been married multiple times due to divorce being a ready option for difficult relationships

Flash Forward 100 years – 2117

  • Couple paring will be arranged for more equality in intellect
  • Dating will be obsolete
  • Gifts will be unnecessary
  • Virginity will be in demand as to keep couple paring limited
  • Advanced education for both parties will be the norm
  • All will be pared by age 30
  • Kink will again be private and underground
  • Sex will be demanded for only procreation, all other options for sex will be private and underground
  • Divorce will be obsolete

Of course, all this is my own personal option.  What do you think romance and marriage will be like in 100 years? I’d love to hear your ideas.

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For Better or For Worse

Wedding vows…

Have you ever wondered why for chubby or for thin wasn’t included? I hear more and more about spouses who complain that they don’t find their husband or wife attractive anymore because they’ve gained weight. WTH?

I can understand concern for your loved ones health, to want to have them around for years to come. But to be so superficial to complain about their size for personal pleasure, i.e. arm candy.  Ok, when we were twenty I know we dated for looks first, everything came after. But aren’t we more mature all these years later?

So you find the special someone and they’re hot! I’m talking smoking! The years go by and the kids come or they have a desk job and a few pounds creep up. Maybe it’s more than a few. Is this husband or wife a different person? Do they still do those things that made you fall in love with them?

I have run into men and women I knew back in school. When I look at them I see the person I used to know. We’ve all added a few pounds here and there, not to mention gray hairs and wrinkles. I chose to see them the way I remember them.

How can you tell someone you love them in one breath and then tell them you aren’t attracted to them in the next? Is that love? I don’t understand. Can someone explain it to me?

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To Fall In Love

Does everyone want to be in love? What about marriage? Does everyone want to be married?

I look back to my dating days in my early twenties. Yes, love and marriage were very important to me, to all of my girlfriends. I remember how dating went (yes, it was a long time ago but I do still remember): we’d meet, go on a date or two or three, I wanted a relationship, he didn’t.  I have surveyed friends from back then and they remember it similarly.  Most of the guys were not that interested in having a monogamous relationship or ready to get married. 
Flip the calendar twenty-five to thirty years in the future. Same friends surveyed…men are more interested in a monogamous relationship and marriage than women around the same age. Why is that? Why the switch? I have a theory.
When men are twenty the world is their oyster: they are young, have all the vim and vigor (yes, I said vim and vigor) and they know they are studs. Women, on the other hand, are looking for safety and security for their future, marriage being the answer. But when women reach their mid-forties, they have careers, learned they can support themselves and live independently. Men, on the other hand, seem to begin to want the safety and security of not living alone in their later years. 
I’m not saying any of this is wrong, its just interesting and totally explains why young women marry older men and why cougar women date young men. Obviously, we have all known couples that married young and grew old together.  I don’t mean to imply this to “all” men or women, but I have noticed it quite a bit.  Look back at your younger dating years.  What do you remember? What about now? Are you single or have single friends? Are you looking for love?
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Can A Marriage Last Over Twenty Years?

Newlyweds are always so happy and in love. They’ll do anything for each other and love being around one another. What makes them change after twenty years of marriage?

You know what I mean…we’ve all have seen it. The couple that meets in high school or college, gets married and lives happily ever after…NOT! What happens? I see it all the time. I can’t tell you how many friends I have that have been married 20+ years, divorce, or cheat on one another. What causes this shift from “You’re the only one for me” to “I don’t find you attractive anymore” or “Can you hurry up and get this over with”?

I know down the road in our marriages we become grown-ups, with grown-up stress. We all know how difficult it is to take care of the kids, work 40+ hours a week, get the car fixed, buy a new air conditioner and still love to be around each other. But is that couple still in love? Can they find romance after the kids go to bed? When you’ve gained 30, 50 or more pounds will they still find you attractive? When the wrinkles and grey hair (or lack of hair) arrive, do they still kiss you?

I’ve talked to many friends in this situation.  When your spouse says they don’t find you attractive anymore because you’ve gained too much weight or lost your hair, what do you do? When you feel like you have nothing in common and rarely do anything together anymore, how do you change it? How do you get back what you had?

I do have one friend that had empty nest. She and her spouse struggled. They came to the realization that it was going to take a lot of work to keep their marriage together.  So, how committed are you? Do you truly love your spouse? Are you looking at them and thinking how you really want to make it another 20+ years? Your task, should you choose to accept it, is to find out if your spouse is as committed as you are.  What happens if they aren’t? That’s a bridge you may have to cross, but if you’re already unhappy, you’re already at the entrance. It can’t hurt to find out if your spouse feels the same as you do. If they do, work on it, with all your heart and soul, like you did when you dated years ago. If they don’t….      

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When Is Mid-Life

    I’ve heard about the dreaded “Mid-Life” my whole life.  My parents talked about it like it was a disease.  I’ve had friends who have reached it. But the big question is, “When do I reach it, or have I”? 

    My parents and their friends, all almost forty years my senior, equated “Mid-Life” with menopause (his and hers).  Now that my friends and I have reached our forties, and beyond, we look for the dreaded “Mid-Life Crisis”.  I know those ten years plus my age still considered “Mid-Life” to be a woman’s menopausal years, but with men it was when they bought the red sports cars, divorced their wives and dated their secretaries and assistants twenty years their junior. I have begun to look at it as a turning point. 
    After watching many of my friends divorce in their mid to late forties, find new careers, and see their kids all grown, it gave me a new meaning to “Mid-Life”.  Not every “Mid-Life” moment is a crisis. My husband retired from the military at thirty-nine.  He started a new career with Homeland Security thanks to 911 – 09/11/01 was his original retirement ceremony and was rescheduled due to the terror that day. He found a new career, we moved and started over. I think that time in his life could be considered his “Mid-Life”.  Of course, five years later he dreamt of a motorcycle, tattoo, and helped his daughter buy a red sports car that ended up in our driveway.  He had a relapse….but no crisis, unless you want to count the car payment we added to our budget. 
    I have a friend that divorced her husband of over twenty years, has bought her own house and is going back to school for a new career.  The only crisis is that she was forced out of her old job but it has helped her take a leap of faith into a new career. 
    I have another friend that suffered in a difficult marriage for many years for the sake of her children. Once they were grown, she was able to free herself of the bondage she was in to find true, selfless love with the man she was meant to be with. 
    So why does “Mid-Life” have such a negative connotation? Maybe because many figure out they need to go down a path that their spouse doesn’t want to follow. For many that may mean a divorce. No one ever said life would always be the same or easy. 
   Have I stepped into “Mid-Life”? I think those that know me the best would say, by my definition, I have. I have lost some weight (not as much as I would like – yet), I’ve started a couple new careers (writing being one of them), and my outlook on life has changed. Is it causing difficulty in my daily routine?  Have the changes I’m making made an impact? Oh yeah.  Now what do I do? Not rock the boat or go where I am lead?  Lead and see who follows….
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Do Friends Make Better Lovers

Do friends make better lovers? Do they make better long-term partners?

Most couples become couples first, friends second.  Is it better the other way around? I’ve been told by many, yes. But doesn’t that screw up Dating 101? You know, you meet at a party, eyes link from across the room, you’re drawn to each other, you go have coffee, talk into the night, and BAM, your dating! If you’re friends first, how does that change things?

If you’re friends, from school, neighbors, work and then you start to date, is it because you were always attracted to each other? Or is it because you know each other’s flaws already, know what irks one another, what each one likes, that a relationship can bloom?

Have you ever had a roommate? Was the roommate your best friend? Did you stay roommates for long? I know I’ve had very close friends as roommates and, generally, we couldn’t stay roommates in order to preserve our relationship.  Does that hold true if your the opposite sex? Can a man and a woman be best friends and roommates and not have a relationship? Aren’t we made to be drawn to one another? If you have a best friend that is of the opposite sex are you destined to become more? Is it the nature of the beast?

I’m not saying men and women can’t be friends and not be sexually drawn to one another.  I’m talking best friends. Women know what I’m saying. When we have best friends we do a lot of things together, tell our deepest, darkest secrets, reveal ourselves. Once you’ve done that with a man have you gone too far? Have you pushed your relationship to the next level? Can men process information like that and not see a deeper attraction than just buddies? Can a woman? If you take the next step does it give you a deeper relationship than starting out as a dating couple to begin with?

For example, lets go back to the Dating 101 scenario.  You’re strangers, having coffee, talking about superficial basics of first contact. Next step is the first date.  Then the second, and so on. At what point are you comfortable enough to reveal your deepest, darkest secrets? Will you ever share your lifelong dreams and goals? Oh, you’ll share some but do you share all, without the fear of rejection? Is it easier to share those deepest thoughts with your friend than your lover? Sure it is.

So in saying that, the question is, how do you know if your friend should become more to you? As a friend they accept you, warts and all, usually from the beginning. In Dating 101, you’re much pickier; sometimes dumping someone for a flaw you should have accepted, would have as a friend, to find out they would have been a great catch later on but you blew it.

The only thing I can say is enjoy your friendship.  Don’t push it along.  Let nature take its course. Not every relationship is meant to take the next step.  Sometimes friendship is wonderful just the way it is and sometimes its better when its more.

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Love Over Forty

I have finally finished my first novel.  And, of course, I wonder if anyone will want to read it. Its not about the typical couple; the hero is in his early forties and the heroin is in her mid-late forties. Will anyone believe you can find love for the first or, even, second, time around?

I’m in my forties and I have many friends in their forties and fifties asking the same question.  Will love be there for them? To find out if my book is realistic I asked the experts, my friends. 
One friend, divorced at forty-six, found love with a younger guy, thirty-eight, within months of her separation from her husband.  Another friend, divorced in her late forties after twenty-seven years of marriage, found true happiness with a man twenty years her junior. And yet another, divorced after five years of marriage, found love with a man twenty years her senior.  
Not all relationships have faired so well.  One other friend who divorced at forty, three years ago, has been struggling just to find a decent date.  And one other has yet to find that special someone after attempting to get married multiple times. 
Is love any easier later in life? After watching my friends I think its just as difficult as in your twenties except you know more of what to expect. If I’ve learned anything in the last twenty or so years its to be honest and up front from the beginning. Life is short and we don’t have time for games and players. In most of the relationships I’ve been exposed to those that are fairing the best are the ones that aren’t afraid to say what they need from their partner. Just because we’re older doesn’t necessarily mean we’re much wiser. Sometimes we need direction. 
So, in light of my research, my book appears valid and plausible. Once it hits the internet (ebooks) I’ll let you know. You can give me your opinion. 
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Bringing Romance Back Into Your Relationship

Remember the beginning of your relationship?  Every time he walked into the room your stomach did flip-flops.  Just the way she looked at you made you weak in the knees? What happens to that feeling? Where does it go?

Life happens and we start to take each other for granted.  You might have children and they take all your focus.  Or you just get too comfortable with each other: pass gas around each other, share the bathroom at the same time, or just stop wearing makeup while your home.  All these little things make us forget why we fell in love originally.

Remember how you tried to look your best, even when it was time to go to bed? How do you get that back? Are you still in love or just in a routine?

I have seen many couples divorce after many years of marriage because they just don’t have passion for each other.  Are those who are still married, feeling a bit stuck in a rut, settling? Or is love just that way?  Does passion have to end?  It’s such a high and makes you look forward to a new day. Why can’t that be something we feel all the time?

I don’t have the answer.  I wish I did.  Is moving on to a new relationship the answer? Will the passion eventually fizzle out of that one too leaving you to hop to the next? Is passion love? Does love have passion? Hmmm….thoughts to ponder.

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