Coffee & Naughty Thoughts

Author Linda Bolton - Writer, Blogger

Tag: romance (page 2 of 2)

Are You Speaking The Same Language

    Have you ever wondered why your “significant other” can’t read your mind? Send all the right signals and they still can’t seem to figure out what your saying? Are you speaking the same language? Love language, that is.
    In the book Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman,  is listed the five ways we love. Unfortunately, not all of us have the same language as our partners. This can cause hurt feelings and miscommunication in our relationships. Figure out your love language and see if your partner speaks it:
1-Words of Affirmation – you desire unsolicited compliments. This one is mine. I didn’t get much praise growing up and love to get a compliment.  I’m not always very good at accepting them but I love to hear them.  These can include anything from “dinner was great”, to “you look amazing today”.
2-Quality Time – this is receiving your partner’s undivided attention, whether its talking about your day or having dinner together.  No cell phones, no distractions.
3-Receiving Gifts – receiving an unexpected gift where thoughtfulness, love and effort were put into it.  Its not about dollar value.
4-Acts of Service – Surprise!  The dishes are done, or the kids have already been picked up. These are the “let me do that for you” moments.
5-Physical Touch – I know you’re expecting this to be sex – not exactly. Some people are very “touchy”, lots of hugs, pats, holding hands, thoughtful touches.  These are ways to show excitement, concern, care and love.
    OK, now think about those. Which is the most important to you? They are all great and we all like them but which one speaks to you the most? You can have more than one but usually one is dominant. I have already admitted Words of Affirmation is mine but so is Physical Touch.  I’m a patter. I touch folks when I talk to them. Now think about your loved one. What is their love language? They probably do examples of theirs to you. We tend to give examples of our love language to others, thinking they like it too. For instance, I have a friend who’s husband likes to receive gifts so he buys her things all the time. Her love language is physical touch and he rarely touches her (except for sex). So she tries to hold his hand and he’s not interested. See how this works?
    The goal would be to learn each others language so you can meet each others needs. So, your homework assignment, should you chose to accept, is to figure out yours and your partner’s love language.  See if you can speak each others language.

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How To Find That Special Someone

I was recently asked how to find that special someone? Where do you look? Is dating different now than it was 20 years ago?
It’s just as complicated as it was when we were twenty-somethings looking for a good time. I watch my newly, and some not so newly, single friends struggle with dating. Do you ask the blonde sniffing melons out to dinner? Or is that just too weird? Do you go to the nightclub and pick up that guy, who at 9PM was just so-so but at 1AM he’s looking pretty good? Do you start going to church in hopes they’ll be someone there you click with? Do you try speed-dating? Safe environment, only have to spend a few minutes together, no commitment.
Oh, don’t forget social media. FaceBook and dating sites are introducing men and women to each other all the time. I have a few friends that reconnected with old flames through social networking. They seem to be happy. I have a couple friends that tried dating sites. It was an interesting way to meet people with similar interests and get to know them a bit before actually seeing them face-to-face. I think it’s different for everyone.
Self-confidence and just plain bravery are the main key. Meeting someone new is scary. Unless you’re an FBI agent or a cop you’re on your own trying to figure out if this new person is a good, upstanding individual or a serial killer. I’m not trying to scare you but those things are out there. Group dating is always a safe bet. When you see that cute redhead tugging at leaves on the pineapples strike up a none-threatening conversation. Ask her how to tell if the pineapple is ripe. If she’s friendly and responds with a smile continue chatting about fruit or grocery shopping. If you feel she’s interested invite her to a quiet bar or to a fun restaurant like a sushi or sports bar. Tell her you’ll have two to three friends and ask her to bring the same. You both will feel safe if you don’t hit it off since you’ll have your buddies to keep you company.
At any age dating is a challenging endeavor. People change from the first time you meet to the twentieth date. In our forties and fifties most of us have set habits we chose not to change so that’s important to remember. If you aren’t liking that they are a pack-rat, a shopaholic, drink alcohol or smoke there is little chance they will change for you. The same holds true for your habits – are you willing to change for them? Be flexible but cautious as you search for your mate. Love can be around the corner if you’re willing to step out of your comfort zone. Remember all they can say is no.
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Hall Passes

There’s a movie out touting the fun and problems of having a “hall pass” from your spouse or significant other.  Would that be a good idea?

First, You’d have to decide when in your relationship is the best time to schedule something like this.  Would it be at the end of year one, five, seven (year itch), ten, twenty? Then, how long is this “pass” good for? A day, a week? Are there rules? Who are you seeing/sleeping with during that time?  An old fling, an old boyfriend/girlfriend, your spouse’s best friend? What if you decide the grass is greener somewhere else?  Yesterday you were perfectly content the way things were and now…

Why would you want a “hall pass”? Do you have an urge so strong you can’t suppress it?  Are you unhappy with things in your current relationship that a night on the town will cure? Are you cheating and feeling guilty and think if a “hall pass” is granted guilt will disappear? Not that old fashion cheating is ok, but this just sounds like an “open relationship”.  Why set a timeline? Just see who you want all the time. That would be easier and less strategy involved.

What if you enjoyed the “hall pass” so much you didn’t want to go back to your old relationship?  If you’re looking for an excuse to end it, just man-up and end it. Why blame it on the “hall pass”? Are you hoping you’ll find out the grass isn’t greener and the romance will suddenly bounce back into your old relationship. Got some news for you, relationships take work.  Sometimes they aren’t pretty, fun or enjoyable, kind of like your job. Oh, it can be greener somewhere else but there’ll be work there too. Nothing in life is free or easy.

Lastly, can you go back to your relationship after a “hall pass” and take up where you left off?  Don’t you think you’d both be different? Even with permission you cheated.  Heck, they probably did too.  Are you both ok with that? Were any feeling hurt with who you “hall passed” with? Have you learned to appreciate each other or resent each other? Is your relationship more complicated now knowing what you both think you’re missing?

The biggest question is would you have been better off not knowing what you were missing? Maybe you should have taken that time to work on your relationship together instead. Hmmm…things to think about.

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Bringing Romance Back Into Your Relationship

Remember the beginning of your relationship?  Every time he walked into the room your stomach did flip-flops.  Just the way she looked at you made you weak in the knees? What happens to that feeling? Where does it go?

Life happens and we start to take each other for granted.  You might have children and they take all your focus.  Or you just get too comfortable with each other: pass gas around each other, share the bathroom at the same time, or just stop wearing makeup while your home.  All these little things make us forget why we fell in love originally.

Remember how you tried to look your best, even when it was time to go to bed? How do you get that back? Are you still in love or just in a routine?

I have seen many couples divorce after many years of marriage because they just don’t have passion for each other.  Are those who are still married, feeling a bit stuck in a rut, settling? Or is love just that way?  Does passion have to end?  It’s such a high and makes you look forward to a new day. Why can’t that be something we feel all the time?

I don’t have the answer.  I wish I did.  Is moving on to a new relationship the answer? Will the passion eventually fizzle out of that one too leaving you to hop to the next? Is passion love? Does love have passion? Hmmm….thoughts to ponder.

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How Well Do You Really Know Them?

Have you met that special someone?

Your eyes meet across a crowded room and you just know he’s the one.  You see the moonlight behind her; the way her hair flows when she walks and you know she’s the one. You do everything you can to meet them.  You begin to date, plan your future together and….they just aren’t who you thought they were.

You just knew he/she was the one.  You got along great, had similar interests, laughed at the same jokes. You move in together.  Life is a dream.  Then one day you get a collect call from the local jail.  He had a warrant for his arrest – pedophilia.  She meets your family for the first time – the whole family – and starts to freak out after the main course.  “You think I’m crazy!” she screams and runs out.  Everyone stares at you.

You have no idea what’s going on. This is someone else, not the loving, caring person you’ve been spending your nights with. How did you miss the signs? Surely there were signs…

Love is blind, so the saying goes.  Sometimes it is. How many times have you heard of couples married years to find out their spouse was not the person they thought they were. Count yourself lucky you found out before the wedding!

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Definition of Romance

How would you define romance? Hmmm, would it be a candlelight dinner under the stars, a walk along the beach hand in hand or a special look when you least expect it?

I have come to learn that my outlook of romance has changed over the years. When I was young-er, in my teens and early twenties, BH (before husband), it was those wonderful starry eyed scenes from chick flicks.  Women in distress, saved by a handsome stranger, they look into each other’s eyes and wham! they’re in love.  Oh, all my girlfriends thought so too. The knight in shining armor was coming to take us away on his white horse.

Then I dated a few of those knights and realized there was no horse, sometimes there was no car, and he wanted me to take him to a different town to get away from his crazy ex-wife. Not so romantic. Did I become cynical? A little.

Of course I have since learned there is more to romance than one special event. Its a series of moments that make the romance in a relationship.  A few of my favorites are holding hands as we walk through the mall, a kiss on the neck for no apparent reason, a massage that’s not considered foreplay.  I’ve talked to a some friends and they all agree seeing our men wash the dishes, vacuum the house and take the kids to soccer practice while we get in a bubble bath ranks up there pretty high too.

Don’t call me a hypocrite when you read my book though (when I finally finish it and someone thinks its wonderful and publishes it).  Yes, I used the typical romantic stuff you read everywhere else, but I think I added some of the grown up romance too.  She’s not overly sexy and it wasn’t love at first sight.  He is super handsome and every woman wants him (gee, I’m not perfect).  Life can be both.  They are, at least, grown ups, both in their 40’s, with grown up problems and grown up lives.  I tried….

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Giving the Reader What They Want

I write what I want to read. I have heard other authors say that. I love to read historical romance. LOVE IT!  Do I want to write it? No!  Way too much research! I like to write contemporary romance. Once I get published will anyone else want to read my books?  I hope so.

I met up with some friends tonight who are avid readers.  Mostly romance. I listened to the comments they made about other authors they read.  The heroine was too young and not relatable, too many zombies, story didn’t move along quick enough, too much sex, not enough sex…

It gave me even more book ideas. I definitely have the writing bug! My muse is busy throwing ideas at me quicker than I can write them down. Surely others will want to read my work and share it with the world. If not I will still have to write. And I will continue to listen to what others want to read and try to accommodate while still enjoying they story my way.

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How do I Write a Story?

Most of my friends are very surprised I’m writing novels.  I don’t know why.  I have always had a pretty vivid imagination.  I’ve written poetry in the past.  I think they wonder why I waited until now.  After all, I’m in my late 40’s.  You know, nearing the menopause days, I should just pack up my life and live on past memories.

As I near fifty, I still have a couple of years, I feel as energetic and alive as I did at twenty-five.  I still have dozens of things I’d love to see and do.  I’m not dead yet!

Writing is just one of those things I’ve wanted to do.  I tried to write a few years ago.  It ended up a VERY short story, and in the trash.  I tried to write a memoir of adopting our daughter.  The outline is complete but I set it aside for awhile.

I can blame Gerard Butler for my desire to finally pick up the computer and type my life away.  My dearest friends know about my obsession.  I have all of his movies and I have seen most of his interviews.  It was bordering on scary until I decided to write about him instead.  Well, not about him exactly.  About a Scottish actor who can’t seem to find the right woman.  It flowed brilliantly until I neared the end.  Now it’s getting difficult.  2500 words to go…and then it ends. Then what?

A book about a Gerard Butler/Craig Ferguson type with Robert Burns (the Scottish Poet) all rolled into one book. I can’t wait to start.  Then there’s book three… expanding on a character in the first book – a magician – a Criss Angel type of guy.  I love research!!!!

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